So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
You're like the curious george of whores
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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