Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
