My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
