His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
