She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
