i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
