I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
