He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
