Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
