btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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