Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
