I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
