shes about as inviting as chlamydia
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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