I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
