none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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