fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
