so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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