if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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