Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
