I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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