Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
