My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
