Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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