If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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