What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
