in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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