Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
