the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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