That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
