So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
