So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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