No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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