Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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