You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Rumble strips road head = magical
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
