It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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