So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
