never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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