I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
