If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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