I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
