I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
