I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
