I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
