oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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