My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
