great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
