dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
