Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
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