I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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