I checked into jail on foursquare
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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