I feel great
I just peed on a car
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
